When we have deep wounds and are seeking to understand them, we may cover up the stories of others. Differing perspectives does not justify wrongs. Maybe explains. Understanding something does not change its function. Only maybe our ways through or around it.
Understanding also does not always change hurt.
What I became. The things I now know hurt me - it is hard to tell if I am shielding myself from more pain or protecting my relative truth.
I never before felt these anti-human forces as a part of myself - around me but never within me. Only the deepest love for our species. Profoundly I felt it!
I am disturbed to think these things may have been preying upon me in unseen times. I am disturbed they are in existence @ all! Of course I knew this in a mental sense, but now to FEEL them as part of me, acting on my behalf, behaving as greedy, controlling, angry children. I could not be more disturbed. I cannot fully, but will try to speak to my experiences.
I did feel particularity - being sometimes overly particular and at other times neglectful. Self-serving.
I protectively wrapped myself in the comfort (and privilege) of creating, learning & expressing. Heavy emotions of sorrow would channel through me which I didn’t fully understand but did my best to own, hold space for & avoid putting on anyone.
Inadvertently they were - I am sorry for this.
I only ever wished to hold my own space but could not always contain.
I always felt largely displaced in my own body. A lack of belonging, a strangeness. Like I was confused by my own face. I ignored this day to day but felt a lingering sense of detachment.
I am in very much pain being in this body but am trying in the light of knowing. I feel I have lost everything I worked for - maybe this is not true- maybe they will be re-born in righteousness, without the poison that plagues now. I understand the larger cycles and contexts but am also deeply & profoundly hurt. It is so much deeper than this one body, but this body also contains a story which tells of our larger story. I do not know how to stomach that. Maybe because this is no longer my stomach. I both am & am not Sonja. Rather, Sonja has become a process, a questioning. The name tells.